Just some things to note on your Sunday evening

I’ve noticed that the people I know are getting too caught up on all their scary/everyday things happening to them, and they forget to take care of themselves.
So, I decided to write just a little reminder note.
 1. Breathe. I know it’s pretty obvious, but when you notice the world breathing up your neck, and you feel like you are not able to run away – just breathe. I started doing that a few months ago, and it really does help a lot. I know you sometimes feel like you’re in a dream and the hounds are chasing you, barking behind you and their teeth threathen to rip you to pieces, and you feel like you’re on a treadmill – running but still staying in one place. I know you sometimes feel like each second the world could just collapse. Remember that it is okay. Breathe. Take your time. It clears your head and it chases the hounds away, even just for a few minutes.
2. Remember that time is not real and you are in control of everything that is happening to you. Sometimes it may seem that there is nothing you could do to make things better, but you can. Forget about time for a while. Imagine that your problems are one giant lake, but don’t be afraid to touch the surface. Instead, dive into it, dive into the lake and swim swim swim until you reach the bottom. On the way to the bottom you will find your answers, and if you don’t – you’ll at least realise how shallow the water is.
3. Take care of yourself. Make your favourite food. Eat your favourite chocolate. Have a shower. Light scented candles in your room. Don’t be worried about pampering yourself. It is necessary every once in a while. It wouldn’t make you a weak person to have a day in which everything happens just as you like it. You’ll feel better at the end of it and the world would seem a little nicer.
4. You don’t have to talk to the people you don’t like. If you find that someone doesn’t contribute to your life in any positive way – then don’t keep them in it (as obvious as that is). Not everyone understands that you’re messy on the inside, and not everyone understands that others are going through difficult times too. People tend to forget that others have feelings as well. Even you do. But that’s okay. Just don’t be around them when they have forgotten (you might hurt yourself on their edges).

So, I’m ending the post with just 4 reminders. 3 seemed too little and 5 seemed too much.

Hope everyone has a lovely week xx

#WorldMentalHealthDay

As it is World Mental Health Day today, I decided to share a little cheesy poem that I’ve written not too long ago when depression had started to return back to me from its 2-year-long holiday.

I’m just a little sad

So little, that in day my heart laughs out loud
and I say “Hello” with a smile.
So little that in night no sleep is allowed,
only a pitch dark hole, which leads to My Own Misery.
I’m just a little sad.

So little, that when someone says “I love you”,
I love them back.
So little, that it’s not my blanket but the arms of you.
I’m just a little sad.

So little, that when I’m happy it’s a warning,
so I smile wider and laugh at my own tears.
So little, that when I place my feet on the ground each morning
I wish it could swallow me up and eat me whole.
I’m just a little sad.

Lack of inspiration

Being surrounded by creative people could be quite stressful. I have been feeling a bit silly when everyone just effortlessly seem to be able to write a 500 word short story and I just keep staring at the blank page thinking “How do I get out of this emotional black hole?”.

It’s not as easy as everyone imagines and makes it out to be. They say that claiming that you lack inspiration is just a lazy excuse for not writing and that makes me feel really anxious. I do want to write. I get ready, sit in front of the blank page on my computer/notebook and just cannot think of a word to write down. This has brought me to lots and lots of anxiety attacks.

I tried writing literally anything that pops into my head but sometimes it’s just too empty. This always happens when I consciously fall into a routine. When I do the same things every day, when I feel a bit low (for days and for weeks), when I feel like the most uninteresting person in the world – my head just turns hollow.

What is the solution? I don’t even know. Every day I try to answer this question myself. I have gotten quite good at describing things I see, however that’s not what I want to do. I want to write fiction stories, create fictional characters and think of fictional plotlines. This is a thing that I used to be quite good at. More than a year ago, and the years before that, I used to be able to write chapters and chapters of original work in just one night, with such an ease that I felt so good about myself and I knew that this was what I wanted to do forever.

I still want to do it but it’s just x100 times harder.

Did I really just rant about my lack of inspiration and used it as an inspiration for a new blog post? Yes, I did.

‘Melodrama’

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So, last Sunday I took myself to see Lorde at the O2 Academy in Birmingham. It was quite exciting and I thought it deserved a little blog post.

After hours and hours queuing for the doors to open, I entered the venue with my back hurting, my heart thumping and my mind all over the place.

At about 9:15 pm, she emerged on stage, alongside her neon astronaut, in a black shiny dress. It was an intimate experience, not only because the venue was cramped. Each of her songs are linked to my life in some sort of way. Even when she sang a sad song I kept laughing. I was singing along and choked on my laughs because they just errupted from my mouth like little baby volcanoes of excitement. I was the happiest I’ve been in a while and I felt on top of the world.

That was when I decided that that’s how I want to feel forever. Excited, happy, energetic…

I danced, I sang and I felt. Lorde was full of energy, full of life, full of art and she knew how to talk to her audience, which is a very good quality and not a lot of arists possess it. Between songs she talked to the audience, told little stories about her journey as an artist. But what really moved me was her little speech before she sang ‘Liability’. She talked about how she took her time when creating ‘Melodrama’. About how her music is personal, how the stories are as if literally pulled out of her. About how someone told her that she was “too much” for them. That’s when I started crying. And then she sang and I felt like all the planets had just aligned and they understood my little trembling heart: sometimes lonely, sometimes incredibly happy, sometimes angry or sad, and sometimes really fucking weird heart.

So, after all these neon colours, singing, dancing and feeling I went home and reflected on everything that has been going on. I think it’s amazing that pop music can make you do that. The right kind of pop.

Lorde is a true artist. An incredible singer and an extraordinary lyricist. That’s what made me fall in love with her and that is, what I believe, how real pop should sound. How real art should be created. Truly, personally, boldly. According to Wikepdia, ‘Melodrama’ has been described by critics as  ‘a loose concept album that explores the theme of solitude’, which I think is a wonderful way of putting it into words. It reflects on heartbreak, self-care and self-love, on maturing and changing.

When I heard ‘Melodrama’ for the first time I knew that this album is going to be important to me forever. It may sound a bit cheesy, but I do believe that the songs matter to me just as much as they matter to her and I love love love each and every song.